I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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