I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.