I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?