Texts From Last Night

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  (845): View more from New York

  He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?

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  (845): He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right? http://tfl.nu/rwt1
  Replies (37) Good night (688) Bad night (6668)
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (8983) Bad night (717)
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  (949): View more from California

  It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

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  (949): It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time. http://tfl.nu/w76y
  Replies (51) Good night (1580) Bad night (4897)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.

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  (713): never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea. http://tfl.nu/cq0m
  Replies (24) Good night (1069) Bad night (4049)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.

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  (413): she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman. http://tfl.nu/lb9r
  Replies (19) Good night (1099) Bad night (4450)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.

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  (215): Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come. http://tfl.nu/svxw
  Replies (75) Good night (4952) Bad night (730)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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  (847): no one should ever give us hovercrafts http://tfl.nu/uqn3
  Replies (25) Good night (4445) Bad night (698)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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  (919): we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni. http://tfl.nu/1ccz
  Replies (3) Good night (3523) Bad night (1401)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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  (+44): Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate. http://tfl.nu/oa41
  Replies (22) Good night (1059) Bad night (4363)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.

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  (843): The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year. http://tfl.nu/r78b
  Replies (6) Good night (1452) Bad night (540)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

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  (+61): i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that? http://tfl.nu/m9eq
  Replies (6) Good night (2283) Bad night (693)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus

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  (774): I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus http://tfl.nu/kps3
  Replies (3) Good night (443) Bad night (735)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.

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  (515): Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen. http://tfl.nu/hels
  Replies (4) Good night (729) Bad night (224)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.

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  (603): YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP. http://tfl.nu/wagi
  Replies (6) Good night (840) Bad night (265)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place

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  (306): just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place http://tfl.nu/2srt
  Replies (4) Good night (452) Bad night (220)

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