I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place