Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
