Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
