She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
