now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
