I will die if light touches me.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
