If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
