Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
