babies were throwing up all over the place
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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