dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You are the jesus of drinking
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
