i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
