I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
