I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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