Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
