you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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