Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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