I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
