You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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