I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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