It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
