im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
