i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
