They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
