We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You ruined the universe
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