you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
