I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
