My underwear smells like fireworks.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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