I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
