Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
