Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You can't special order awesome
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
