Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
