then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
