I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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