I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
