dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
