Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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