a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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