She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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