my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
