You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
