I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
