Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I party with great urgency now.
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