the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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