bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
