No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
