Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
