Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
