Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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