Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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