never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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