fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
