Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
