My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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