I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
