last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
