I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
